Houses and Relationships pt 1 Sept 2006

Houses and Relationships... (Warning: THIS IS LONG)

Ok, I've recently found myself in the position to pursue the purchase of my first home-- and while I've looked at EVERY FREAKING Real Estate site I can find locally- I got to thinking-- how is buying real estate much different than looking for the perfect match???

It's NOT!!!

Here's how I see it... When you start looking for a house you-- decide on an ideal location, right?? Then you set a budget- how much do you want to invest, maybe a particular style of home, etc.  Then you start looking around- maybe get a realtor- look in the paper or one of those homes magazines- hit some websites or maybe cruise the neighborhood you are interested in. 

THEN-you arrange an initial showing-
Sometimes you know when you first set foot in the structure... something ain't right- maybe you just get an uneasy feeling or maybe the roof is falling in- what ever you know IMMEDIATLY it's not for you- might be perfect for someone else, but not for you. 

Then sometimes you go in- kind of like what you see- but just want to see more before you decide... so you shop around a little, decide you still like the first house- and come back for a second, third or more showing-- and if you're really lucky it's still on the market when you make up your mind. 

 Of course there is the rare occasion that when you pull into the driveway you just KNOW THIS is the house for you... the paint is the perfect color, it's got great space and the lighting- wow! And all the great appliances stay!! You're just SURE this is the one, the perfect place for you...

Sometimes it might take a while to even find the first house you're interested in, but eventually you do and when you've made up your mind, you work out the finances... (sometimes if you're smart you do this first) but as you start to negotiate price you start to get nervous- what if the loan doesn't go thru, what if I can't make the payment?? All sorts of things go thru your head.... until the day the mortgage broker calls and sets up your closing- then you make everything official and it's yours... forever- or until the next house catches your eye...

now of course even the PERFECT house can have some defects that you won't see until you've lived there a while- and that may cause you to sell and start this whole process over- sometimes it's an ongoing thing- sad, but true!

OK HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO RELATIONSHIPS???? Think about it....

What do you do when you're in the 'market' to meet someone new???

First of all, you decide you're ready to meet someone- then most of us have a 'list' of standards- height, hair color, eye color, religion....etc. Then you decide how much you want to invest in this venture... time, money, effort (starting to see the similarities yet???) Next you have to start looking around- you either pick someone you know already or try the internet thing- or of all evils go on the blind date, maybe hit the clubs or start going to a new church- what ever you are most comfortable with.  THEN....

when you've met someone you think you're interested in and would like to know better- you-- go on an 'initial showing...' that first date- the one that brings both excitement and fear. This first date can be well, just like the showing of those houses...

There's the immediate-- Uh NO!! Response, we've all had it happen- there's no chemistry or you discover something really creepy about the other person or you just get that uneasy feeling- right??? Again might be perfect for your friend Billy Bob Bubba/or Sally Mae June-- but not the one for you. 

Then there's 'friends first'... you kind of like the other person- but aren't sure, you want to shop around (date other people) so you can decide. Then you realize this is the one you want to spend time with...so you make another date, and an other-  and if you're lucky- they'll still be available and want you too... when you finally make up your mind...

There's also those sickening rare occasions where you meet someone and BAM!!!!! You see stars and they do too (and not because you bumped heads reaching for your napkin that fell out of your lap at the table). Everything just clicks!! You get each other- plain and simple!!

Again it might take some time to find that 'perfect' person- but when you do eventually you want to make it official/settle down/stop seeing other people- what ever it is you do... then comes nerves and worry-- will he still love me if I gain 10 lbs? what if I can't keep her happy... ? The questions and the doubt... "what if she says NO".... and until that other person reassures you- you're a mess...

When all is said and done, some folks will move in together- some will get married and some will just keep dating forever!! But like with the house- there may be problems that arise after the 'merger'.  These can be annoying habits or just plain loosing interest in each other- causing the whole cycle to start over...

OK YEA I KNOW, this is long- but I had the thought so I went with it... and see, buying a house and finding that special someone very much alike-- now, aren't they????

Buying a House/Dating... analogy part 2 October 2006

Well after looking and looking at stuff that wasn't suitable for a flea- I found a house!!! YEAH!!

Again gotta relate purchasing a home to a relationship-- (since I had one deal fall thru realized it can be so much the same)

Made me think a lot when I had my first housing deal fall thru because the owner and I couldn't agree on the terms of the contract- she wanted more money than I was willing to part with-- it was kind of like the way I felt when a certain relationship recently went bust...

You get all excited thinking you've found "THE ONE" the man you want to spend the rest of your life with- you can see your future together, raising a family (his exisiting kids and anymore that might come along) sharing a home, responsibilities...etc.  Things seem to be great at first- then suddenly you start getting a queasy feeling about it... his behavior and manners change- then he drops the bomb- "you want more than he's willing to give..."

Man the emotional roller coaster is so much the same...You find the perfect house-  you get your hopes all up- start planning where you're going to put things -how you'll decorate, who gets what room-etc.  You really put your heart into this house/condo-etc.  Then comes time to turn in a contract... you put in writing what you're willing to give and what you expect in return... give it to the seller and wait-- *at least there's a time limit on this waiting* sometimes they come back w/a counter offer... maybe requesting more from you or offering to give less from them- in that case, you review the contract to see if you can accept it- you then have the chance to request changes too- HOWEVER, if you do this- you run the risk of loosing the deal all together- someone else has the option to come in and offer the 'seller' something more than you're offering or requiring less from the seller... you have to decide to take the deal or walk away from it.   Then you can also get a flat refusal from the seller- which comes as a harsh blow but it happens...

So, you've got all this emotion and anxiety tied up in waiting to get a reply... how is that any different from what happens in a relationship?? OK OK you don't usually have things in writing -- "I'll give this but I want that", etc. But you do have expectations and 'desires'.... right?? Most of us talk about our wants and needs w/our partners, so it's out in the open.  But you can still get counter offers and refusals... how many have heard- "You want more than I can give"?? or said "I'm just not getting what I need from you"??  Same concept as that contract issue... do you try to work it out- require less of your partner, put more effort into the relationship yourself?? Or do you walk away?? If the deal (relationship) is important to you, you try to work it out, right?? Compromise!!!

However if it can't be compromised and agreed upon by BOTH parties, then can come the refusual... and it's not easy.  Usually it hurts one party more than the other but someone winds up getting hurt- just like I got upset when I didn't get the first house I wanted... however I got over it and found the perfect match for me- a great little home!! SO that's key- picking up the pieces and moving forward, not giving up- works in either situation!!

So yes once again I can interchange home buying and searching for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with... strange analogies but works, huh??

Ok I know I get rambly and go on in some of these but gotta go w/the flow when the ideas come-

Anger Oct 2006

Have you ever been so mad at a situation that you ended up upsetting someone who means the world to you because you couldn't control your temper???

This person was not involved in upsetting you at all- but in a fit of rage you go off on them or do something to upset them- a look, or gesture maybe… of course you aren't upset with them only upset at the situation that's happening- however your friend is in the wrong place at the wrong time- or is trying to play w/you and you just snap…

Then you're left to pick up the pieces and TRY to put them back together- only things aren't fitting as easily as they did before- you've apologized, cried and almost begged forgiveness… but your friend is still hurt or angry and won't respond to you… doesn't want to talk to you… which of course makes a bad situation worse…

Anger is a horrible animal- and once unleashed it's very hard to get back in it's cage… usually the damage it does is more than minimal- attacking innocent bystanders, causing injuries that often times aren't cured with just a quick apology… anger has no biases or prejudices it doesn't care who it hurts.  Anger comes in many forms- from violent rages to quiet retaliations—anger is an UGLY being and is not attractive on anyone.  It's also a strong being- it can tear apart relationships quicker than any other emotion. 

If you've hurt someone you care a lot about- because you allowed Anger to get the best of you- be sure to let them know how sorry you are, how much they mean to you… and remember to allow them time to heal from their injuries—many who have been attacked by anger are gunshy at first…

If you're one of the special people in my life that I unleashed my anger on—I AM SO SORRY… all I can do is ask for your forgiveness and pray you'll grant it…

Patience... April 11, 2007

This was written exactly ONE YEAR to the day before I got the call to take the beautiful boy I now call Monkey... Patience paid off!! 

Gosh, I will admit I have the patience level of a flea… little to NONE~~ I am the anxious type… I want what I want, when I want it and that's NOW!!!  However this way of thinking hasn't exactly been helpful in the past nor is it helpful in this particular time of my life.

I've always been in a hurry for everything- even as an infant- I potty-trained myself (YES, myself) when I was 9-10 months old, I did the same thing when it came to weaning myself- no way did I want a bottle- I wanted a cup! (Again at 9-10 months old) And crawl?? NO way I was going to walk when I was 10 months old… so as you see, I started out in a hurry to get what I wanted.

So what about as an adult?? Can we say impulsive?? I buy things quickly- even a house actually- made up my mind to buy a house and w/in 6 weeks I was moved in!! Don't get me wrong I LOVE my house, but I did do it awful quickly!

I tend to do this w/relationships too… I want it all up front- I haven't learned how to take it one day at a time and just enjoy getting to know someone.  I think part of it is I'm afraid if I don't hurry things, they'll disappear-however, I know it's been my impatience that has ruined many a promising situation…

I just read this and think it might sum up some of my 'issues with patience'….Many times impatience is just a reflection of our own self-centeredness in response to life's disappointments.  GOSH how that suits me perfectly. Something for me to ponder!!  So I'm taking a step back and breathing... relaxing and letting go of the wheel for a change.  and working on the Patience thing.

A Proverbs 31 Woman... June 2007

 A Proverbs 31 Woman…

A good woman is hard to find,
   and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
   and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
   all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
   and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
   and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
   for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
   then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
   rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
   is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
   diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
   reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
   their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
   and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
   when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
   brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
   and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
   and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
   and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
   her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
   but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
   The woman to be admired and praised
   is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
   Festoon her life with praises!

Wow, to be hailed as a Proverbs 31 woman~ that is my prayer- more so as I am getting older and I see what a true virtuous woman is. I don't read in any of the above where she is sexually objectified or used just to please the man in her life- rather she took pride in herself, her family, her husband and her accomplishments.  Her family praised her, not belittled her or hurt her ~~ this includes the man in her life- her husband… speaking of him, he was respected and highly regarded in his own right- a self respecting man if you will.  This is a woman who knew who she was, she was a strong willed daughter of God, a faithful, loving wife, a caring, nurturing mother and a woman who took care of the less fortunate. She is a woman I strive to model my life after~~

But I also pray that God sends a man into my life who can appreciate those qualities- one who can see beyond the outside and sees what is important~~ granted it's nice to be deemed attractive for physical features but those don't last~~ and a man that is only attracted to a woman for her face and body isn't the kind of man I want to be bound to.  I want a man in my life who can appreciate the fact that I am so much more than what the world can see~~ I am a first and foremost a daughter of God~ the King of Kings, so yes, I guess you can say- I am a princess, and I do deserve to be treated with the respect that comes with that.  If a man can not realize that he is not worth my time.  

For now I will continue to pray to become more and more like a Proverbs 31 woman… and that God will continue to bless me and my home with His blessings~~ the rest will come when He knows the time is right. 

Another Talk with God... June 2007

Ok I've been doing a lot of 'talking to God' lately… some might call it prayer- but it's actually been more like conversations… ya know?? A lot of things have been happening in my life- good, bad, both~~ some that are bad at the time they happen, but are supposed to be good in the long run~ and some that were good when they happened, turned out to be bad… but one thing I've been talking to Him a lot about lately has been love…not just romantic love but love in general… friends, family and yeah of course romantic love- how to know if it's real~~ He keeps directing me to the same scripture 1 Corinthians 13:4-8… and last night we kind of looked more into it… yes WE looked into it deeper~~ so I'm going to share what God taught me… He took something simple and broke it down even more for my 'kindergarten' heart (and mind) to grasp a bit quicker… It went something like this…

(KEEP IN MIND- as I have said before- MY GOD has a sense of humor- I mean He has to- He's dealing with Me~~)

"Ok Shonda, what is it you don't get about what love really means??"

 

"Well… I get the feelings and all but maybe I'm just not getting the deeper meaning of it… cause I always seem to be messing it up somehow… maybe I think it's one thing and it's another??"

"Well I gave you a pretty concise definition~ do we have to make it even more simple for you?? I mean you're HOW old now?? Do I have to do the Love for Dummies Version??"

"APPARENTLY!!!!"

"OK… Lets take this one statement at a time- will that help?? And this time child, take notes… PLEASE!!!"

"Alright, alright… I'll take notes and maybe it'll sink in… (biting my lip) MAYBE???"

"We'll see… Ok let's get started… Love is PATIENT… you do understand what I mean by that don't you??

"Uhhhh, yeah sure… love doesn't rush into things…right?"

"Yeah, true love doesn't rush into things… hmmm- she says she gets it but will she remember it next time?? (Shaking His head) True love takes it's time getting to know someone, their past, their present, their family…etc~ not just jumping on that feeling you get when your stomach turns and your heart flips~~ I gave you those feelings to feel too, but I also gave you the knowledge to discern the difference between those 'feelings' which I believe you've learned fade in time~ and the feelings true love gives you… peace, contentment, joy, fulfillment… are you writing this down??"

"Oh yeah… writing it down. Peace, joy… Got it…"

"Next, love is Kind.  This is simple- LOVE doesn't do things to hurt you… not even in teasing. Love goes out of it's way to make sure you're not hurt~~ even little gestures of kindness are appreciated, right??"

"Yes, that's true… I'd prefer small gestures of kindness any day…I really do understand that concept- you know I'm all about being kind to someone special in my life…"

"Yes I know… sometimes tooooo kind to them—but we'll discuss that some other time! Ok you seem to understand that one, next…. Love does not envy…"

"Oh… I have a problem with that…"

"Yes I know you do… but TRUE love does not have room for envy~~ true love trusts the person they are with so much they are not jealous of anyone around them ~~ they are secure in their place in that persons life~~ does this make sense to you sweetheart?? This is a point we need to work on I want you to understand this one… true love does not need to be over protective and jealous… okay?? This goes for both parties involved."

"Yes, I understand… if it's real love I won't feel the need to be jealous any more… I'm learning Father…"

"Ok… Ready for the next one?? Still taking notes??"

"Yes, I'm taking notes… I'm ready."

"Love does not boast, it is not proud… I'm not saying not to be proud of the love of your life… but love doesn't need to be praised all the time- when something is done in love it doesn't need to be acknowledged constantly… it's done out of love, not for affirmation~~ making sense for you?? "

"Yes I get that… I'm still thinking about the envy and jealousy part…sorry…"

"I knew that one would be hard for you… it's ok… but lets go on- you can go back to that yourself later, okay???"

"Ok…what's next?"

"Love is not rude… not saying rude things won't happen, I mean you're human after all and I have to admit sometimes that pull my finger joke still makes even me laugh… anyhow… Back to our lesson… I mean love won't be RUDE and hateful… it won't interrupt what's important and be pushy, controlling or overbearing… know what I'm saying here?? Shonda… you're not still stuck on that jealousy thing are you??"

"No, I was picturing you laughing at the pull my finger joke… not something I thought of before now… oooook… anyhow… not controlling… oh, understand that one~ what's next God???"

"You'll appreciate this… LOVE is not self seeking… know what that means??"

"Love does for the other person??"

"Right…love doesn't again, look for accolades and praises… it's looking out for the other persons well being and their needs first… it's when you put someone else's needs before your own… I think you've got a hang of that- again; we'll discuss how much of that you understand later… okay?? Don't get hung up on it right now…"

"OK, OK… I know, I know… I do it too much~~ I have a mom here on earth that tells me that- I don't need you to tell me that too… she does a good job of it ya know, you trained her well…"

"Good, I put her there to guide you and help you~~ Now, let's keep going…ok?"

"Ok, this is helping… I AM taking notes I PROMISE!!!"

"Pay close attention to this one my redheaded Irish Princess… LOVE is not easily angered… uhhmmm… not easily angered—did you hear me?? Why are you looking away??"

"Oh I heard you… I am not looking away… "

"You can't lie to me… HELLLLLO who are you talking too??? I know why you were looking away… I know about your temper and how it can be sparked quickly if something doesn't go your way… even against the man you love~ even against the man you would give anything for~ but remember my child LOVE does not anger easily… "

"Yes Father, I understand… I'll work on that one too!! "

"Love keeps no record of wrongs… so there's no going back after a disagreement and saying 'you did this or that… or what about when you….' What that hand on your hip and your finger wagging, head rolling… love forgives and lets it go~~ it's the ultimate in forgiveness… "

"Oh wow, yeah you got that stance down there… seen me do that a time or two huh?? Uhmmm guess not much else I can say about that, huh?? But what about when you've really been hurt?? I'm just supposed to forgive and forget??"

"Shony do you really want to talk about being REALLLLLLY hurt?? What about all the times my children have done ALL those things I begged them not to do, but I have forgiven them and forgotten about it… have I not??? Baby girl, I promise if I can forgive my children for all the sins they commit, you can forgive a couple of men for some STUPID mistakes and believe me they were STUPID MEN and STUPID mistakes!! (God is SO on my side!!!) "

"Ok I see your point… and I'm doing much better with that as I'm getting older… aren't I???"

"Yes baby you are, you are…  we're almost done here—you ready to go on?"

"Yeah, let's finish this lesson up… I can already see I have a lot to pay attention to next time… huh??"

"Yep, ya sure do… ok next up… Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth~~ REJOICES with the truth… love doesn't hide things, it doesn't tell lies- not even little ones, it doesn't omit facts~~ love is open, honest and truthful- even if it hurts a little… when it happens... see what I'm trying to tell you here?? Love doesn't cover up things to make them look better… HELLLOOOO you listening??"

"Of course I'm listening… and I know exactly what you're talking about- trust me next time I'll clue in and heed the red flags… "

"You'd better, because honey- as much as I enjoy our talks- we seem to be discussing the same things over, and over, and OVER again… when will you get it through your thick skull?? Wait, I know the answer to that already—but I'm not telling YOU~ that drives you crazy… anyhow, I think we're about ready to wrap this up… okay?"

"Sure thing… I'm anxious to put this into practice ya know…"

"Uh… Shony—did you take notes??  Read the very first thing… love is what?? PATIENT!!!!!!!! As you must be also!!!!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… is that it??"

"No… Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. I think you understand those concepts but you need to realize it's a two way street… you deserve to expect the same in return, okay… and don't forget… Love never fails… You humans fail love sometimes… but true love never fails… Does this make sense?? Do you see what I've been trying to teach you all along?? It's not LOVE that hasn't been working for you?? Its just humans have a way of messing it up… but you KNOW that there is always an UNCONDITIONAL love for you with ME right?? Nothing you do can take that away… EVER~~ now I want you to take the notes you have, study them, learn from them and APPLY THEM… no more jumping feet first- okay?? Remember this lesson and if you need a refresher- if you feel like things are going to fast or something is off and just doesn't feel right- don't just go along with it AGAIN- come to me- we'll talk it over and I'll help you figure it out—OKAY sweetheart?? That's what I'm here for…"

"Ok… I promise the next time I won't be so quick and hasty to make decisions- and I will talk to you~ I've learned my lesson, this isn't something I can do on my own… for Love to work… I need you to help me.  Thank you for breaking this down for me… and for repeating it again, and again… when did you say it was going to sink in??? "

"Don't go there… I don't want to have to smack you upside the head AGAIN!!!"

"Ok. But how about a big GOD hug instead???"

"THAT we can do…come here!!!"

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Imagine Me... July 2007

Song Lyrics and a Blog....

Imagine Me..

Kirk Franklin

Imagine me

loving what I see,

when the mirror looks at me cause I,

I imagine me.

In a place,

of no insecurities and I'm finally happy cause

I imagine me.

Letting go

of all of the ones who hurt me

cause they never did deserve me,

can you imagine me.

Saying no

to thoughts that try to control me,

remembering all you told me,

Lord can you imagine me?
Over what my momma said,

and healed from what my daddy did

and I wanna live and not read that page again.

(Chorus)
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine me,

I admit it was hard to see you being in love with someone like me,

finally I can imagine me.

Imagine me
Being strong

and not letting people break me down,

you won't get that joy this time around.

Can you imagine me?

In a world,

in a world nobody has to live afraid,

because of your love, fear's gone away,

can you imagine me.

Letting go of my past

and glad I have another chance

and my heart will dance

cause I don't have to read that page again.

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine me,

I admit it was hard to see you being in love with someone like me,

finally I can imagine me.
(Repeat Chorus 2x's)

Kirk talks:
This song is dedicated to people like me, those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance and even self esteem, you never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough but imagine God whispering in your ear letting you know that everything that has happened is now.

Gone, Gone, Its' Gone, All Gone

Kirk's remarks
Oh It's All Gone. Every Sin, Every Mistake, Every Failure Its' All Gone!
Depression Gone By Faith It's Gone
Low Self Esteem, Halleluiah Its Gone, All Gone,
It's Gone All My Scars All My Pain It's In The Past , Its' Yesterday Its' All Gone( Can't Believe Its' Gone) What Your Mother Did, What your Father Did, Halleluiah (Its' Gone All Gone Oh Whoa))

Last year around this same time, I was struggling w/some issues and a friend of mine who is the kind of friend that isn't afraid to be honest and open with me~ a REAL friend… MADE me to sit and listen to this song… I mean he literally FORCED me to listen… I was trapped in the car with him… wasn't exactly gonna be going anywhere… he popped the cd in and said 'Now, I want you to hear this song… when I heard it today, I immediately thought of you."  I half heartedly said 'yeah ok… ', having no idea what I was in for.  Well it brought me to tears the first time, and the second time he played it for me.  He had to play it twice so I'd hear it not just w/my ears but with my heart… (Thank you Myron…I love you!! )

I've said it before I've always had trouble with letting things go… things, people, hurts, habits, hang ups… for some reason I didn't want to relinquish them… I wanted to be able to revisit them whenever I chose. You know, so I could sulk and be reminded of the pain at a moments notice.  I don't know WHY I did it, I just did…

But recently I'm learning to let it all GO~~ let go of the things that have been holding me back~~ and learning to trust God totally… it's a scary concept for me, to relinquish total control of my life… but when I think about it- my entire life,  I had been letting so many people and things control me, I was onlypretending to be in control of my life.  I had been letting my insecurities control me, I had been letting past failures control me, I had been letting former relationships control me, hurts from decades ago still had a hold of me maneuvering me… and I was just along for the ride.   Since I couldn't control myself, my life… I in turn, tried to control others~ friends, family, the man I loved~ found out that doesn't work either… just leads to more loneliness… just more to control me. 

This is not an overnight transformation, it's something I'm constantly working on—to realize that I can LET IT ALL GO~~ and that I don't have to go back and check on it to make sure it's still there (or not there). God says it's GONE, it's OVER~~ it's IN THE PAST… He says turn it over to Him then forget about it… so I'm working on that!!

Another thing I've struggled to realize is God loves me and wants me JUST LIKE I AM!!! All those insecurities I've had are from the world, not from Him. I can let those go too!! He loves me unconditionally… no matter how my hair looks, no matter what size my jeans are- my God loves me~~ in fact He loves me so much He gave up His life for me… and He wants me to love Him and trust Him with all my heart. 

For way too long I have been letting others break me and take away my true joy, the joy that only knowing God can bring me.  And honestly it took a recent 'set back' in my life to help me realize this.  Even though it was a very, very difficult situation to endure- it felt like another failure, the ultimate one~~ to top off the heap of past failures, but in essence it was really a step~~ a step that brought me closer to God.  I had to go through all the pain and heartache- and wow, the heartache was so intense at times… but I had to be totally broken so I could go to God and be healed…not just mended… BUT HEALED.  Along the way I learned some things, I learned to love someone unconditionally~ and I learned my value and worth not only to God but to myself. 

So I CAN imagine ME… finally free and happy in a place where I can trust in Him totally…  like I said, it's a work in progress, but I can imagine it—I can see it, and it's a beautiful thing!!!