As I Am... August 2007

I had some time to just reflect this afternoon and got to thinking... (can be dangerous sometimes...) Just got to thinking what is it about relationships that makes it so difficult?? Not just mine but several around me that include the people that are dearest to me... it's like if you have to put forth some effort it's easier to just either give up or break up... By giving up, I mean just sticking around but not progressing.  Just stuck in a 'rut' so to speak...  

Maybe it's just me but I thought relationships were about working together... working things out-- an EFFORT and that they were 100/100... no 50/50 crap!! Each partner has to put forth 100% all the time.  Otherwise, it's not an equal partnership~

So with that in mind, why is it (AND THIS IS FROM MY PERSPECTIVE AS A WOMAN~~ MEN FEEL FREE TO CHIME IN W/YOUR EXPERIENCE!!!!) Why is it~ then when 'she' needs some extra attention some 'pampering' for lack of a better word~ for what ever reason, maybe stress in her life, hormones or just something she simply can't explain... 'he' tends to get funny about it, quiet- needs time away,etc. ?? But heaven forbid he be stressed or upset... men expect to be pampered and babied...coddled if you will in their time of 'need'.. and it can go on 'unexplained' for days, weeks even.  And as women, we're supposed to put forth as much effort as necessary to keep things going?? But they don't want to have to put forth nearly as much energy to make sure we're ok... I don't understand... how is that an equal trade off??

I guess I just want a man who understands that I'm not always perfect, sometimes I do have bad days, sometimes they come a week at a time- it might be work related, it might be family stress, it might actually be my hormones... and sometimes-- yeah I can't explain why I get a little 'off balance'... but it's those times I really need to know that my 'man' is just that a MAN and he's STRONG ENOUGH to handle it.  That he realizes I need a little extra love and attention and that the 'mood' won't last long... and he should know too, that when he has problems I'm there for him to support him, show him that extra love and attention he needs.  I want a man who doesn't expect me to be perfect all the time, who will take me just like I am... the good, the bad and the not so perfect~~ and I will do the same.  Anyhow... I guess that's enough blathering for the evening... I just had that on my mind~~

Another Year August 2007

Well in 9 days I'll be another year older ... and what a year it's been, so many changes. Some losses, some gains and some lessons learned... but one thing has been constant, growth.

I have had time to learn that I am stronger than even I give myself credit for at times. That time eventually does heal the intensity of the pain caused by most wounds~ some may still hurt~~ especially when they're not left to heal properly... but if they're left alone to heal they don't hurt as bad in the long run.

I've learned that the memories will always be there~ good or bad, but they won't always hurt when you remember them~ in fact one day they may make you smile again (the good ones at least).

I have learned that you can miss something you never had or maybe I should say you can feel like you lost something that you never really had~~ if that makes sense.

I've learned that no matter how bad YOU want something, God has a much better plan for your life and He knows the outcome in the long run. (ok so I knew that but I didn't want to trust it until now) No matter how much you think your plan is best, Gods plan is always better~ and He wants the best for you... even if at the moment it feels like your world is crashing, there is a reason for your pain. It may not be evident for weeks, months or years... but eventually you'll see the purpose if you believe He will bring you something better.

The biggest thing I've learned is it's totally up to you how long things effect you, you alone have the power to say enough... you alone have the power to let go. NO matter how many times your past comes back to haunt you~ you have the power to put it in its place~ to reject it's hold on you.

It's not easy, I know~ I've fallen prey to it more than once this year alone... but it can be done (through a LOT of prayer!!) ~~ that's where I have been learning I'm stronger than I thought. It's not that I don't care anymore... I still care- it's not that I don't love anymore, I still love (do I ever still love, even after way too much! And even after learning more and more~~) But instead it's about not letting others hurt me anymore~ it's about taking care of myself.

Here's hoping the next year has much less loss... both by death (I still miss my little grandmother ) and by choice (not mine!!)... but instead more growth and gains!! 

What Defines You?? Circa Sept 2007

What is it that defines you? Is it the advancements you make in your career? Do you feel like you're defined by how successful your children are (or aren't)? Maybe you find your definition in a degree that hangs in frame on your wall, or possibly in a spotless, beautifully decorated home where you are the perfect hostess.  Do you feel defined by the adoration of your spouse or significant other?? Is it a models face and body that define what makes you feel special?  Is it accomplishments you've made on the sports field that have helped to define who you are? Do you feel possibly you have found your definition in your recognition for spectacular things you've done? What is it that makes you feel like~~ well… you??  What makes you confident about who you are?

I guess I'm asking this because I'm at a point in my life where I'm learning what it is that defines me.  In reflecting I've learned it's not the same things that I would have thought five years ago, at this rate~ not even the same things I would have thought defined me five months ago.  Even today the things I thought helped define who I was, are different than they were just yesterday. 

I used to think I needed all those things I mentioned above, but I've recently realized… most of those things fade in time.  Looks fade, spouses/significant others leave, children grow up, houses crumble, a job can be gone in a heartbeat, and those wonderful works can be forgotten as soon as they're done, that degree isn't an means to an end- it's just a piece of paper in a frame- and I got my varsity letter in dance, no one even remembers that… so what is it that defines me??  It's my character.

I want to be defined as a woman who is of noble, honorable character.  I want to be defined as a woman, who loves whole-heartedly, without condition or stipulation: a woman who accepts people, for who they are, not who they were.  I want to be defined as woman who knows that her true strength comes from God and not from herself.  Yes, eventually I'd like to be known as 'his wife' and 'their mother', while putting that degree I'm working so diligently for to good use… but those things will not define who I am, who I am will define those roles.  By becoming the best person I can be for myself~ I am also preparing myself to be the best mother, wife, and preservationist that I can be.  Now I know what the goal entails~ I also know this is an ever changing goal and an ever changing road to reach this goal.

I know what it is that will define me~ again I ask you what is it that will define you?

Learned... April 11, 2008~~

I wrote this and before I hit publish, I got the call about Monkey...

I’ve learned…

Doing some reflecting… and I realize that in the past 12 months I’ve learned some valuable lessons…

I’ve learned that… The job that pays the least has no set schedule, lots of over time, no time off—also has the best benefits of all- unlimited hugs, smiles, unconditional love- being a mommy is the best job I’ve ever had!!

I’ve learned that at the end of a crappy day, one toothless little smile makes it ALL better.

I’ve learned that walking out of a dressing room wearing a LITTLE black dress FIVE sizes smaller than anything I’ve worn in the last TWENTY years~~ and it looking like it was MADE for me… is an AMAZING feeling…

I’ve learned that, I really do want to fall in love again… that there ARE good guys out there- I can’t hold the sins of the past against the future!!! That it is possible to feel again, numb isn’t an option!!

I’ve learned that as my parents’ age, they become more my friends and less my parents… and on some level and at some time, I’ll be the one taking care of them…

I’ve learned that sometimes you make some of the BEST friends through some of the strangest and hardest circumstances… and that these friendships endure beyond the circumstance that brought you together in the first place!

I’ve learned that thru time, wounds really do heal~~ that it’s possible to let go (and I’m not just talking about ‘romantic’ relationship’ wounds here either!!) but a lot of stuff that I learned to let go of… and I’m much ‘free-er’ for it…

I’ve learned dreams aren’t just what we see in our sleep- dreams are what we strive for daily… and if we don’t reach out and grab them when they come by we can miss them… and THAT is a true tragedy.

And I’ve learned that there ARE risks in life that I will regret not taking if I don’t just take them!! I might feel foolish if I don’t quite get it right the first time… BUT how foolish would I feel if I missed a WONDERFUL opportunity because I was too scared to fail???

Respect Your Self... May 2007

Yeah... what she said... 

Respect yourself and the world will follow...

Many women ask themselves the same questions, about men. They're questions that have been asked for generations, they're not new to my generation… although I think we're asking a lot more questions- we discuss things a lot more than our mom's and grandmothers did…  Have you ever wondered why: he lied, he didn't call when he said he would, he doesn't support his babies, he ignores you, he expects you to cater to him, he uses you for his booty call when 'wifey' don't want to- or maybe when she's just not around, he beats you-but buys you Gucci to make up for it, cheats on you- then swears he won't do it again~~ or until the next easy piece walks by… makes all kinds of promises and plans with you~ only to break them~ time and time again… and I'm not talking about promising to take you shopping, I'm talking LIFE promises… Lets' take a look at this shall we ladies?? Now, you might wanna get your steel toed Timberland's on cause I'm sure I'm gonna step on some toes- MY own included… I'm sure I'll offend many~ even some men who might actually read this… but it's something that needs to be addressed, it's not discussed enough.

 

WHY do we allow this to happen to us?? Let me tell you sisters~~ we lack the self respect necessary to stop it!!! Women who respect themselves first and foremost do NOT let men treat them this way; they don't allow anyone to abuse, use or mistreat them.  What has happened to us respecting ourselves?? I know it's not all our fault right?? Society has conditioned us to do what we have to do to hold on to a man… from dressing a certain way, behaving a certain way, even giving up our own identities.  In the mean time, we've lost our self respect- and the respect of the very men we were trying to impress and keep a hold of. 

Do you really want a man in your life that just wants you for sex? Do you honestly want a man in your life that doesn't want to help you support the children he so willingly helped you create? And why would you want to stay with a man who abused you- no matter HOW much you loved him?? Why would a self respecting woman want a man who was a two timing womanizer? Now girls I am asking myself some of these questions just as much as I am asking any one of you out there—

Come on… WE do deserve better… and YES there IS better out there… there ARE good men.  There ARE men who want to treat a woman like a princess… BUT, first and foremost we have to believe we deserve to be treated as such!!! We have to RESPECT OURSELVES before we'll ever find that man… a good, self respecting man doesn't want a woman who is willing to just throw herself out there… they want a woman who's graceful in her behavior, strong willed, intelligent, loving, gentle, industrious, knows how to handle herself in time of need, can be his partner and his confidant and one who exudes confidence and self respect!!!

While I'm on that subject- a real man, one who wants to treat a SELF RESPECTING woman like she should be treated doesn't want a woman who's willing to post pictures of herself (to borrow from a friend)  'all protruding out there' and brag about her sexual conquests and her other degrading habits… why display yourself like that?? A self respecting woman knows the difference between sexual and sensual… she knows there are lines that really don't need to be crossed (in public)~~ There are some HOT self respecting women out there- who know how to attract a man w/out flaunting all their goodies all over the place… that is class and sophistication~~
 

Now with that said… I would love to see my generation be the one who teaches the younger girls about respecting ourselves again… taking a stand- I don't mean being a BITCH~ I mean not letting men use us, abuse us, hurt us for no reason other than we allow it… we need to learn it's ok to have confidence and be proud of who we are—it doesn't matter if we're Black, White, Latino, Asian, Mixed… we all deserve to be treated with the same amount of respect … but it all starts with US…  So if you're tired of being mistreated, quit bitching about it… start respecting YOU first and you'll start seeing changes in the way others treat you… 

Plans for a Future April 2007

I'm not a particularly 'religious' person-- I won't lie my faith has been greatly shaken over the past few years but at this point in my life I wasn't as cynical (believe it or not!) 

This one I'm especially proud of- it got me through a really low period in my life, after the break up of what I thought was supposed to be the love of my life-- obviously things worked out so much better-- for one short year later-- I met THE love of my life... Monkey!!!

Plans for a future… God Style…

I don’t know about you but I’m always planning- a week ahead, this summer’s road trip, the future life with the man I thought was to be my husband—well what do ya know? God had other plans for me… I really, really hate it when He throws a wrench in my plans… of course I KNOW He’s getting a BIG kick out of it and laughing… Kind of think THIS is how it would go… (yeah MY God has a sense of humor…)

“SO… Shonda—you think your plans are good for you, do you?? You don’t think what I have planned for you will be so much better?? OK, you go on and plan that trip to Myrtle Beach- remember last time you went?? The burns hurt, didn’t they???”

“Yes, Lord… I remember the last trip to the beach, how could I forget?”

“So, you’re still going to look into the future and make those plans anyway, aren’t you?? What if I tell you- things aren’t what you think they are??”

“Ummm- ok God, what do you mean by THAT??”

“No, you need to learn (please ME- let her learn one of these days) on your own… I’m just going to watch and cry for you when your heart is broken yet again… just remember, I warned you…”

“Uh yeah sure… my heart’s not going to be broken Lord, you sent this man for me, I KNOW you did- and we’re going to have a wonderful life together- this is just the first of many family vacations… isn’t it??”

“What are you asking ME for?? You’ve got it all planned out- well except the exact date—but hey- you’ll have that nailed down in an hour or so… my girl you do love to make plans…”

“Of course I do Father- isn’t that good?? To have things planned out??”

“Well my beautiful daughter… has it ever worked out for you before when you planned out on your own… and didn’t listen to your Father??”

“Oh, well- no.  It hasn’t ever worked out when I tried to take control… But this time it’s different… I JUST KNOW IT!!!”

“Shony, I’m the ONLY one who KNOWS how it will turn out- just slow it down my child and breathe… Please don’t make me hit you in the head, AGAIN—cause it’s not worked all the times I’ve done it in the past- you’re just going to get a headache- AGAIN… “

“So let me get this straight God, you want me to step back and let YOU take lead??? Ummm but you know I’m a control freak- have to feel in control or I freak out…”

“Yes, I know- I made you, DUH!! But if you turn that control over to me, I promise you’ll see this is for your own good”… “I PROMISE—and I (unlike men) keep MY promises to my loved ones”

“Well, ok… but can I still pla….”

“NO!!! Just let me have the calendar and the planning software, let ME take over sweetheart…”

“But God… what about…”

“What about it?? Are you happy RIGHT NOW?? Did your last plans work out?”

“No, not at all…”

“That’s because you didn’t REALLY consult me first- those quick little prayers aren’t going to cut it kid…”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now, I know your heart is breaking because things haven’t gone your way and ‘he’ left you- but my princess- think about it, would he have done that if it had been my plan for you to be together??? Come on Sunshine… be honest with yourself (Cause I can hear what your heart and mind are saying, don’t forget who you’re chatting with here!)”

“I get it… I just thought…”

“I know, believe me- I know… now, come on- listen to me when I tell you -- I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed… I'll turn things around for you.”

“Ok Abba, Here’s the planner… from here on out- it’s up to you…”

“That’s it… BUT you have to mean it…”

“I do… finally, I think…. No, I know—I’m going to try to take it one day at a time and quit planning my future- when You KNOW it…”

“That’s my girl- now, come and let me hold you, I know you feel broken but I promise child you will heal and the pain that this ‘man’, a mere mortal has caused will fade in time- just put your trust in ME…”

“Ok… hey can I peek at YOUR plan book??? PLLLLLEEEAAASSSEEEE just to get an idea of what lies ahead???”

“I said don’t make me smack you upside the head!!!”

“OK…just hold me and let me cry then….”

“No  problem…” 

Have You Ever? April 2007

Have you ever thought you knew someone, rather well- at least you were investing the time getting to know them (and they were doing the same) then suddenly you realize maybe you didn't know them at all?? 

Did you question what was real?? 

Which ‘them’ was the REAL them??  The person you knew or the person you have seen most recently… 

I mean you can spend months, years even sometimes getting to know someone only to discover maybe you didn't know them at all.  

Maybe I don’t understand because I’ve always been pretty much a ‘what you see is what you get’ kind of girl… granted I maybe a bit more reserved and quite at work than I am at home but that’s just manners… I don’t change my personality with the tides… 

I guess it’s just hard when the someone you see differently is someone you care a great deal about, the person you anticipated loving the rest of your life- and when you see the ‘new’ or is it the ‘real’ them you go… “What happened to the man (in my case it would be a man~if you’re a guy you can change the wording if you need to) I fell in love with?  They would never say or do the things I have seen recently~ cutting, hurtful things.  What happened to the sincere, loving man I thought I knew?? Was he just a facade? Is this the real man? “

Anyhow, sometimes I know events alter the way people look at life, but in the end it’s people who chose to change, life doesn’t actually change people… maybe one day I’ll understand why things happen they way they do- maybe it’s not meant to be understood… or maybe it’s one of those things I can ask God when I meet him face to face.